Ten Reasons Why I hate NFL Announcing

I love the NFL. You love the NFL. We all love the NFL. However, the popularity of the league has come with a cost; the announcing is generally terrible. Watch a game sometime, and write down the number of asinine stats, stories, quotes, comments and camera angles. You'll have a list of 20 or 30 things by the end of the game.

It's not a terrible thing, of course. Every major sport has something about it that bothers fans. Football has the announcers. Basketball has the officiating. Baseball has the players union. NASCAR has other fans. Hockey has...well, no one gives a damn about hockey anymore, so I guess there's nothing to be upset about. So out of all those things, I'd probably take idiot announcers over those other fundamental problems.

Of course, that doesn't mean I can't get my fair share of griping in. So, without further ado, these are the 10 things I hate most about NFL announcing (in no particular order).

10. Homer announcers and studio hosts - I once went on a cross country killing spree after listening to Chris Berman talking about "circling the wagons" one too many times. I wore a gas station attendant's head as a hat through three states. Okay, maybe I just dropped a couple F-bombs and hit the mute button. Either way, I wasn't happy.

However, there have been announcers that have been just as bad. When Steve Tasker was in the booth, he was a shameless homer for the Bills. In his defense, at least he played for the team, unlike Berman. Joe Namath wasn't so much a homer as he was blatantly jealous of any QB better than he was (i.e. Dan Marino, John Elway, Joe Montana). And, to be perfectly fair, a lot of people around here thought Bob Trumpy had it in for the Bills. They might have had a point; I don't think I ever heard Bob say a good word about Jim Kelly.

(By the way, in no possible way does this apply to Michael Irvin talking about "THE U!")

9. Endless and meaningless stats - Actually, these don't bother me so much, but they drive my one of my friends. And since his complaining lessens my football experience, they make the list. I'd talk more about this, but it ties into another one below, as you'll see shortly.

8. Overdramatization - There are two forms of this. The first is Kevin Harlan's voice. Every word is enunciated to the utmost degree, every syllable pronounced as loud and clear as humanly possible. If Kevin sent you an instant message, I can guarantee it would be in ALL CAPS. WITH LOTS OF EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!!

The second, and perhaps more egregious, is Brent Musberger. Yes, I know, Brent does college football, not the pros, but it's my list, so there. Listen to Brent sometime; he's so bad you can't help but laugh. Here's a garden variety Musberger quote: "and this is an absolutely crucial third down for the Ohio State Buckeyes. They have got to convert here or they're in big trouble." Brent could bust out this line at any time. It could be two minutes remaining with OSU down 4, or it could be midway through the first quarter of a scoreless game. It matters not at all to him.

7. Usage of terms that have no meaning whatsoever in the real world - Has your boss ever told you, in a performance review, that you need a greater "sense of urgency"? Have you been asked on a daily basis how you're "overcoming adversity"? If Mel Kiper comes onto ESPN and compliments a guy by saying he's "a Football Player", should you take it well if a co-worker comes up to you and says "you're an Accountant"?

6. Verbal fellatio - Just once, I'd love to hear an announcer shout, "what on earth was Favre thinking? That is an absolute bonehead play by Brett Favre, and he should know better." There is a list of players (almost exclusively quarterbacks) that can do absolutely no wrong whatsoever. Favre tops the list, followed closely by Tom Brady and Peyton Manning. Michael Vick and Donovan McNabb are on there too, which at least strikes a blow for racial harmony. At every possible opportunity, an announcer will gush over their "brilliant leadership" or "fantastic athleticism". Coaches get this too. At least they do if their last name rhymes with "Elichick".

5. Failure to call a spade a spade - It's very rare that an announcer will call a bad team bad, or a bad player bad. You may hear them say things like "Reggie Howard has struggled in coverage this year", when the truth is closer to, "Reggie Howard has been toasted, scorched, burned, blackened, flame-broiled, and roasted on a spit by opposing receivers this year." I'm not saying they have to be mean-spirited, but for God's sake, it's not kindergarten. These guys are pros, and if they stink, say so. I'll note that studio hosts are much less reluctant to do this than the game announcers.

4. Rhetorical questions - "You wanna talk about a guy who's motivated?"
Um, I don't know, do I?
"You wanna talk about a guy who's playing his heart out right now?"
Sure, I guess.
"Michael Strahan is absolutely playing his heart out right now."
Fine. Couldn't you have skipped the previous two questions and said exactly that?

3. Meaningless cliches and obvious generalities - I mind these less coming from coaches, because most coaches don't want to talk about their game plan any more than they have to. But we all know that the team that runs the most effectively usually wins. We all know that the team that commits fewer turnovers usually wins. I actually caught an announcer the other day saying, "well, they just win games by outscoring the other team." Huh, well I'll be damned. That's a fascinating concept.

2. Tony Siragusa - Either be a sideline reporter or a third man in the booth. Not both. Tony is a sideline reporter who butts into conversations between Dick Stockton and Daryl Johnston whenever the mood strikes him, which is often. The only reason for that I can think of is that Dick and Daryl told the FOX guys they were quitting if they had to share the rather small announcer's box with Tony's fat ass. The guy adds nothing but volume to the proceedings and seems primarily concerned with just getting as much air time as humanly possible. It's gotten to the point that I won't watch a game that he's announcing unless it's a REALLY good game.

1. Confusion of cause and effect - This has recently become my number one pet peeve. Here's an example of what I mean: after a turnover, Troy Aikman said, "when you're a bad team, things like that just seem to happen." While the statement itself is technically true, the meaning behind it is totally wrong. There's not some magic power that makes bad teams fumble more; they're a bad team BECAUSE they fumble a lot.

It's wonderful when you see some sort of stat that confuses cause and effect and looks really authoritative, something like "the Jaguars are 23-6 when Fred Taylor rushes 25 or more times". This implies that Jack Del Rio could hand it to Fred the first 25 plays of the game, and significantly increase his chances of winning. In fact, if the Jags are playing well, they're probably handing the ball off more because they're ahead.